Search My Heart....or maybe not?

Investigate my life, O God,
find out everything about me;
Cross-examine and test me,
get a clear picture of what I’m about;
Psalm 139:23 (The Message)

This has been my theme for several days now...and I'm saddened to say I haven't been too thrilled about it.  It sounds like good logic, and even the right thing to want - but boy is it hard in reality!

Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
Psalm 139:23 (New Living Translation)

Be careful what you ask for - God is willing to give you the good things you need - and He will happily do this for you!
You know - I didn't even specifically ask for this recently - but I know I have asked and searched deep in the past - the difference this time is that the Lord allowed a big bright light bulb to ding over my head without me asking for it - which probably makes this harder for me!
My heart revealed itself these past weeks in a way I'm shameful to admit. It came out black and hard. I literally have a vision of what my spiritual heart looks like right now and it is so ugly and not healthy. I have walked around for many months now allowing my heart to get harder and harder and blacker and blacker. I have allowed bitterness, anger, and unforgiveness to settle into my spirit and boy is that junk nasty!!! It has affected my attitude, my relationships, and even my day to day functionings. I hate that I didn't realize this was happening, or even worse that maybe I did realize and I chose to do nothing about it.
While, this heart problem does not have an instant quick fix or even an overnight fix I am so thankful for a merciful Savior who loves me unconditionally and who offers me forgiveness through His own death on the cross and new life through His resurrection.
Psalm 139:23 just keeps replaying in my mind over and over and over again - and I felt it was important to confess my sins, repent, turn away and even ask forgiveness from YOU!
If you have been the reciepient of my black heart in recent months I apologize to you and am begging for your forgiveness. I am so sorry that I have been prideful in thinking that I'm the only one that knows best, and that I'm the only one with any sense, and that I'm the only one who could possibly know what it feels like to do or go through something (fill in the blank here, I'm sure I've had an opinion on it!)
Anyway - It was important to me to openly confess these things and let you know where I am. There is no better way to get yourself whipped back into shape than openly confess your wrong doings and then ask the world to hold you accountable!
I'm not sure what brought this revelation on in my l ife - possibly the 40 days of gratitude challenge from my dear friend Brad Goode, or maybe it was our small group lesson by Andy Stanley we did this week, or maybe it was even in the midst of my mini crisis yesterday when I totally lost the only set of keys to my car, but whatever it was it has whapped me so hard across the head that I cannot focus on much else.
I am embarassed by my behavior recently, more in the last weeks than anything. I read a blog this morning that really struck me and an even bigger ah ha moment hit. My new focus is going to be on freedom in Christ, not being distracted by evil ways, and learning the fruits of the spirit. All of this can be found in Galatians 5. I would ask again, that you would forgive me for my wrong doings, pray for me, and help hold me accountable in the most gracious and merciful way you know how.
My prayer is that I can release my recent hurts, and receive healing for the deep wounds that I have allowed to become infected with pride and even jealousy, I pray that I can release the tension of unforgiveness from my body. My physical body acutally aches to what I now believe is unforgiveness.  I want so badly to be able to say to you today "I forgive you"  - and maybe by the end of today I can say those words.
Praise the Lord for his correction in our lives and for the Holy Spirit who sometimes has to yell or whap us across the head to get our attention. I'm so glad the Lord does not relent until he has all of who we are.  He never gives up on us and His love never fails, no matter how many times my love fails Him. I am so richly blessed in so many many ways, and I am excited about what the Lord has in store for my future. Thank you for letting me confess my sins as it says in James 5:16.
I hope this is not just a confession on my part, but an urging for you to have God examine your heart, test you, and correct you where you need it!