Search My Heart....or maybe not?

Investigate my life, O God,
find out everything about me;
Cross-examine and test me,
get a clear picture of what I’m about;
Psalm 139:23 (The Message)

This has been my theme for several days now...and I'm saddened to say I haven't been too thrilled about it.  It sounds like good logic, and even the right thing to want - but boy is it hard in reality!

Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
Psalm 139:23 (New Living Translation)

Be careful what you ask for - God is willing to give you the good things you need - and He will happily do this for you!
You know - I didn't even specifically ask for this recently - but I know I have asked and searched deep in the past - the difference this time is that the Lord allowed a big bright light bulb to ding over my head without me asking for it - which probably makes this harder for me!
My heart revealed itself these past weeks in a way I'm shameful to admit. It came out black and hard. I literally have a vision of what my spiritual heart looks like right now and it is so ugly and not healthy. I have walked around for many months now allowing my heart to get harder and harder and blacker and blacker. I have allowed bitterness, anger, and unforgiveness to settle into my spirit and boy is that junk nasty!!! It has affected my attitude, my relationships, and even my day to day functionings. I hate that I didn't realize this was happening, or even worse that maybe I did realize and I chose to do nothing about it.
While, this heart problem does not have an instant quick fix or even an overnight fix I am so thankful for a merciful Savior who loves me unconditionally and who offers me forgiveness through His own death on the cross and new life through His resurrection.
Psalm 139:23 just keeps replaying in my mind over and over and over again - and I felt it was important to confess my sins, repent, turn away and even ask forgiveness from YOU!
If you have been the reciepient of my black heart in recent months I apologize to you and am begging for your forgiveness. I am so sorry that I have been prideful in thinking that I'm the only one that knows best, and that I'm the only one with any sense, and that I'm the only one who could possibly know what it feels like to do or go through something (fill in the blank here, I'm sure I've had an opinion on it!)
Anyway - It was important to me to openly confess these things and let you know where I am. There is no better way to get yourself whipped back into shape than openly confess your wrong doings and then ask the world to hold you accountable!
I'm not sure what brought this revelation on in my l ife - possibly the 40 days of gratitude challenge from my dear friend Brad Goode, or maybe it was our small group lesson by Andy Stanley we did this week, or maybe it was even in the midst of my mini crisis yesterday when I totally lost the only set of keys to my car, but whatever it was it has whapped me so hard across the head that I cannot focus on much else.
I am embarassed by my behavior recently, more in the last weeks than anything. I read a blog this morning that really struck me and an even bigger ah ha moment hit. My new focus is going to be on freedom in Christ, not being distracted by evil ways, and learning the fruits of the spirit. All of this can be found in Galatians 5. I would ask again, that you would forgive me for my wrong doings, pray for me, and help hold me accountable in the most gracious and merciful way you know how.
My prayer is that I can release my recent hurts, and receive healing for the deep wounds that I have allowed to become infected with pride and even jealousy, I pray that I can release the tension of unforgiveness from my body. My physical body acutally aches to what I now believe is unforgiveness.  I want so badly to be able to say to you today "I forgive you"  - and maybe by the end of today I can say those words.
Praise the Lord for his correction in our lives and for the Holy Spirit who sometimes has to yell or whap us across the head to get our attention. I'm so glad the Lord does not relent until he has all of who we are.  He never gives up on us and His love never fails, no matter how many times my love fails Him. I am so richly blessed in so many many ways, and I am excited about what the Lord has in store for my future. Thank you for letting me confess my sins as it says in James 5:16.
I hope this is not just a confession on my part, but an urging for you to have God examine your heart, test you, and correct you where you need it!

A New Hobby...and Some Pictures!

When Matt and I went for premarital counseling nearly 7 years ago...we took a compatibility "test" to see what areas we need to to work on and make improvements in. Well, we seemed to pass with flying colors except for one little part. Hobbies...you see my sweet husband has many many many hobbies - cars, fixing cars, woodwork, home improvements, music, photography, his fish, etc... I have none!The counselor suggested I find a hobby to help balance things out or we might encounter a problem down the road. While we've never really encountered a real problem, Matt's hobbies have had a tendency to get of my last nerve or cost me some $$. For years now I've tried to enjoy cars with Matt, but they still bore me to tears as they always have. I've tried selling Mary Kay, I've tried scrapbooking, I've tried gardening, I desired to try photo editing (as the photoshop stares me in the face I realize I've never used it and don't know how!) Well today I am proud to announce my lastest hobby venture, sewing, seems to be a success...for this week anyway!
Our parent's always ask us what we want for Christmas and every year it gets tougher and tougher to make a "wish list". This year I randomly threw out there to my mother-in-law that I thought I might want a sewing machine so I could learn to make cute clothes for AK. Well friends, ask and you shall receive! I got my sewing machine back in December, and for almost 3 months that machine has haunted me. I was scared of it! Scared to open it, scared to touch it, scared to try anyting with it. My mechanical engineer husband, "Mr. Hobby" proudly opened it for me, and even set it up - 2 months ago! He drug me out to the fabric store to get scrap fabrics and some threads. Before I could even say "let me try" he had sewn the scraps together - and I quickly gave up on the idea of sewing.That machine sat by my kitchen table for weeks on end. Every time I looked at it I felt this great pressure that I needed to produce a piece of clothing. I wanted to take a class - but was too nervous to go alone. My hopes of learning to sew were quickly fading into the background and I was getting ready to mark that off my list of possible hobbies.
My mother-in-law graciously gave me her old sewing cabinet/table a few weeks ago, sparking my interest once again. This time my problem was that I had no place to put another piece of furniture in our house. Well, with the recent purchase of new furniture and some rearranging in our closet, I was able to fit the new sewing cabinet in our master bedroom closet. I moved that big cabinet all by myself this week to get it in position and ready to use. 

Maybe it was the boost of self esteem from all the spring clean up and clean out, or just the fact that sewing now had a literal place in my home, but I decided to google how to make a simple dress, known as a pillow case dress. Keep in mind I had and still have no idea how to go to the fabric store and pick a pattern and buy supplies...I don't even speak sewing "language". I found this youtube video...how to make a pillow case dress...after I spent 9 minutes watching a normal person show me step by step how to sew this simple dress I was highly motivated. I purchased her detailed instructions for $3 and headed off to the fabric store to get my list of needed supplies. I immediately went for the easter fabrics. I really really wanted AK to have a cute outfit for her 1st easter egg hunt at church, but I had no budget for a new one, let a alone a custom made one!I went home and got to work right away. My goal was to prep all the fabric and get it ready for sewing. Right off the bat, I cut in the wrong place and ruined my 1st attempt at dress making. Thankfully I thought ahead and bough twice as much fabric as I was going to need.  I tried again and got it right this time. Wednesday morning Matt left for work and soon after I put AK down for her morning nap. I went straight for my machine, unpacked it and set it up on my new table. I stared at it for a while and decided to go for it! Of course I immediately jammed up the thread and my machine had this big ERROR light flasshing on the screen...."OOPS" - I realized Matt had threaded it and set up the bobbin and all that stuff and was quickly aware that I did not know how to fix this major problem. I know what you're thinking, you're thinking that I quit...but I did not! I got the instructions to the machine out and fixed my problem! I begin to sew on the arm holes of the dress...not a good starting point for your first try - its a curved piece of material - I cannot even sew a straight seam! I finished the first arm hole and it looked awful! Alas I was not defeated - I dug around my "supplies" and found a seam ripper, I just pulled that tread out and tried again - this time I was much more successful. Things just got easier and easier from here on out. Next thing I knew it was nearly 3 hours and later and AK's dress was almost complete. I got ready to do the last step, which was thread the ribbon through the neck of the dress and I realized my front side neck did not line up with my back side neck. Several seam rips later I measured, cut, and sewed again! Finished! It looked amazing - might I add - I did french seams on this dress. I really don't know what that means other than the lady in the video showed me how - and from the inside my dress is very clean and professional looking around the seams and hems.

I was so nervous the dress would be too small, especially after I had to adjust the neckline at the end. I told myself that even it it was too small for AK I would count it as successful because it was complete, it looked like it was suppose to, and it was just too cute! Much to my surprise it fit AK perfectly!

Unfortunately, as she wore it throughout the rest of the day I realized I must have missed something or done something wrong! Beginners mistake, I didn't reverse stitch at the end of my seams, so it is coming apart. I didn't even realize there was such a thing as reverse stitch, let alone how to do it myself! It's all ok though, because I will try to fix it tonight - and if I don't - I'm ready to begin again on the exact same dress. This time I'm making 2 one for AK and one for her cousin Bella. Every little girl needs a easter bunny dress for her first easter egg hunt!

I had a blast constructing this dress and plan to move forward in my sewing projects, I will continue to make mistakes, but I will also continue to learn from them. After I master the art of the pillowcase dress, I have my eye on some girls pants with ruffled cuffs! I hope you enjoyed the story of my blunders and successes of my first sewing project. I'm considering framing this adorable dress in a shadow box frame to hang over my sewing table to keep me motivated!

Also, as promised here are the pictures of the newly done bedroom. Please keep in mind we still need to pain the ceiling a light gray and we have not hung any mirrors or pictures on the walls.

This last pictures is a close up of the curtains - so you can see the pattern

Stay tuned for more sewing successes. I wish I had a good AK story today - but she is still stuck on everything being a "dog" and being as independant as ever!

Spring Break? I think I might...

It never crossed my mind that after college I would get a spring break again! So thankful for my amazing job, that allows extreme flexibility with AK's childcare schedule. Today is day 2 of our little spring break and I am so proud to say I've been able to "sleep in" both days! With the time change AK is sleeping till 7 or a little later now, and with an amazing husband I've been left alone till after 7am these past 2 days. It may not seem like much to most of you, but its a great feeling to get even 30 minutes of extra sleep.

Yesterday I put in some hard labor here at home, despite the fact I'm "off" all week. After 2 nights of Matt assembling the new furniture, it was my turn to transfer, clean out, and throw out from the old to the new. I somehow managed to empty the old 6 drawer dresser that was located in our closet and move it to the garage all by myself - and a little help from AK. I also manged to carry out both of the old nightstands as well. I guess I'm stronger than I realize, because I didn't even feel sore when I woke up today! Its so nice to have time to be able to clean out and rearrange in areas that get neglected due to lack or time or higher priorities.
The closet has gotten a quick makeover, with shoes being organized, and in place of the old dresser in the closet, I now have my "new to me" sewing table! Now, if I only knew how to sew...ha ha! At least I have a space to sit down and learn now! I know I know, you all want to see photos of these new things and arrangements, but I am usually lucky to get time to write this blog. Matt will have to use his new fancy camera and then show me how to upload them to the computer so I can post them!
Tonight we are going to hang the new curtains (which I got an amazing steal on at Ikea) For almost 4 years I have had no curtains in my bedroom....this is so out of character for me...Every single window in our home has curtains on it! With three windows and a strange 90 degree corner I've never taken the time to save up for all it would take to cover them. But thanks to Ikea, I could afford the curtains, and the hardware to solve my problem. I cannot wait to see it all come together tonight! I've also recently gotten the most amazing 16x20 portrait of my precious baby girl. This is going to be hanging over my new dresser - I am so excited to have this beautiful piece of artwork in my home. Its been quite and investment journey to get these amazing portraits and photographs of my girl's big milestones, but I wouldn't trade it for anything.

I guess as an adult, "spring break" and "spring clean" are synonymous words, because next on my list is to move some furniture around and out to make my home feel more spacious. You can only imagine what life in less than 1500 sq ft with 2 adults, 2 dogs, and a 1 year old is like. It is tight! Never mind our hobbies and soon to be hobbies of music and sewing! AK doesn't have too many toys but she knows how to spread them out when she's in full play mode and boy oh boy does it become messy around here fast!

If you are a frequent house guest here, you are about to lose your comfy double bed in lieu of a single daybed with a trundle. The guest room/music room is too junked up with too much furniture and objects for me to even want to enter in there. I foresee a storage unit in my near future as well as a garage sale! If you need some furniture and a good DIY project, have I got the pieces for you! If you need to get rid of some stuff yourself, then lets talk and have a joint yard sale! It will be a good feeling to get this place cleaned out and cleaned up - it will lighten the mood around here for sure. I get so bogged down in trying to keep it looking good, and its gotten so hard with so much stuff! What I really want is a bigger house - but that will have to come in time.

I should be sweeping and mopping right now, but I have chosen to take advantage of the early leg of AK's afternoon nap to blog without interruption. At least I can say that I scrubbed both bathrooms before she woke up from her morning nap (which I think I disturbed with my cleaning, causing her to wake after only 20 minutes or so...)

For all you AK fans out there, we have seen some serious intellectual developments lately! I told you about learning what dogs and shoes were, but I haven't told you about her reading her dog books! On the way back from Ikea she read to us from her car seat. It went something like this..."Dug, Duc, Dug, Dug, Dug" as she turned the pages to "Go, Dogs, Go". It was a great sound to hear in the midst of a long day in the car!
She has also learned about doing laundry. I always told her what I was doing, even when she was just months old - and apparently she was listening!! Anytime she sees me in the laundry room she finds dirty (and even clean) clothes in either my bathroom or hers and brings them to me. If I miss something she is quick to put it in the washer (we have a front load unit making this easy for her to do). Maybe its because I'm her mom, but there is some kind of parental pride in watching your child grasp and understand the ways of your life.
About a month ago we made a decision to begin limiting AK's pacifier use to just sleep and car rides or extremely fussy times. This has been the best decision ever! Thankfully her teachers are in agreement with my decision and they keep her "pappy" out of reach during school. I credit this limited pappy use to her recent interest in language development. I hope it won't be long until we don't need that thing at all. But all good things in time. I'm just glad that she currently isn't a finger or thumb sucker as I was.
Most of you know my girl has been a great eater since she discovered real food. She would eat anything anytime. Unfortunately that has slowed down. She is so busy in her actions and mind that she doesn't want to slow down enough to eat much at all and recently she has gotten a bit more picky. However, today I fixed a snack for myself of chips and mango salsa. I turned my back to get a napkin and noticed her reaching right into that small bowl of salsa. As I rushed back to stop her she put those fingers right into her mouth. I was fearful of the slight spicy flavor she was about to encounter, little to my surprise she went back for more at least twice! Who knew! My baby likes hummus and mango salsa....at least mango salsa has both fruits and vegetables!!
Please hold me accountable to the promised photographs of our new room and growing baby girl. I really do need to take a few moments to get that done. In the mean time I'm going to enjoy my spring break the rest of this week, and maybe take AK for a trip to the zoo! We are busy bees until the month of April - and I will have lots of fun things to blog about soon, birthday party, wedding, and more...so stay tuned! With the weather warming rapidly we will be heading south to enjoy some white sand and emerald green waves and I cannot wait to see how different summers will be with an active mobile child!  I hope you will find many hidden blessings in your day today and remember to smile because God loves you!

Trying to keep my head on straight...

So I mentioned in my previous post that Matt had been working hard and late - I just failed to mention he was working hard, late, and out of town for about 10 days! I was trying to follow the proper social networking protocol by not allowing anyone access to the fact that I was home alone for 10 days. I tell you what - I have a new found respect for working, single mothers! I was so exhausted by the time he came home  - and AK actually had a good week as far as behavior and sleep patterns go. It probably didn't help that we both had the RSV symptoms for part of Matt's absence.
Anyway I am so very thankful he is home and that long extended travel, or any travel for that matter is not a regular part of his job!

This week has been just as crazy busy as the last. We left Tuesday afternoon to go to a Hillsong United concert in Birmingham - Let me tell you - It was absolutely fantastic! Besides having the opportunity to see many friends all around the arena, the worship experience was just what I needed. There is something powerful about worshiping the One True God with thousands of fellow believers! The sound that many believers can make in honor of Jesus Christ is mind blowing. It is a faint glimpse of what I believe Heaven will be or should I say what Heaven is like. Hillsong United is not really a "concert" at all but rather an interactive worship experience, if you have never been to one of their "shows" you need to add it to your bucket list. We had the opportunity to attend a show in Birmingham almost 2 years ago - and that experience has long stuck with me. This past week's experience will also be with me for years and years to come.
My favorite comment I could come up with about the night of worship was that I had physically, emotionally, and spiritually worshiped so hard that my entire body ached the next day. What a mighty God we serve.  In those moments of worship I came to new place of repentance, cleansing, and understanding of God's love for me. It was uplifting for me to be able to freely give myself to the Lord in those moments. It was an outstanding 3 hours that I did not want to end. One of our friends said it best, "I forgot what it was like to be drunk in the Spirit..." Isn't that the truth! That is a feeling I have not felt for many many years, I dare to say even a decade! I am so glad God uses ordinary people in extraordinary ways to lead people to the foot of the cross. I can only hope that I will truly find my calling and live it out in such a way that people will be able to clearly find Jesus and the love, hope, forgiveness, and abundant life he offers.

In other news, I'm pretty sure my sweet AK is getting smarter by the day! Recently I've decided I need to be conscious and aware of trying to teach her things, like recognizing a dog when she sees one or knowing things like what her shoes are and where they go.
Today I heard and saw the first results of these extra educational efforts! She pointed at the dog food bag in the kitchen and said "dog" - well it wasn't perfect pronunciation, but she said it! Tonight I was taking her shoes off after a trip to the store, she picked up her shoe and attempted to say "shoe". This attempt was quickly followed by many syllable sounds of "ssssh".
Besides her smartness AK has also become much more independent in recent days. Almost demanding to walk everywhere - which is not always a good or safe thing! She has discovered in her own AK way, how to help push the grocery cart. Needless to say - grocery shopping has become a much longer process when AK is in tow.  I think it's safe to say that family grocery shopping days are coming to an end, and soon it will be "mom's grocery shopping day" instead.

Tomorrow is my long awaited trip to Ikea. For the 6 years Matt and I have been married we have not had our very own bedroom furniture. It's safe to say with the exception of our living room and kitchen, and AK's crib everything we own is hand me down. Uncle Sam paid off big time this past year and we were able to accomplish something major! We just paid off our credit card that has haunted us for 6 long years. Today I paid the balance and it was such an amazing feeling! We had agreed that after paying off the credit card we would each get a "prize". Matt's "prize" was the new Nikon D3100

My grand prize however is new bedroom furniture, which I've picked out at Ikea. I've posted the picture of the dresser from the set we are getting. I'm not sure I have been this excited about something new for my home ever! We have been in the process of redecorating or should I say finally decorating our bedroom in this house, and this new furniture will be the final piece to the puzzle. As many of you know our style is very contemporary, and sometimes even modern. We are huge do it your selfer's, and have spent the last 3.5 years perfecting all other parts of our home. It is finally time to make my bedroom my own with my own furniture that is not a conglomeration of our child hood furniture from our past.

This trip to Ikea is a first time experience for the both of us, and we are quite excited. Fortunately we live close enough to Atlanta to make this a quick day trip. I cannot wait to show you pictures of the final product.

In closing - today a tragic earthquake shook Japan like no other quake in history. My heart broke as I watched the videos of the quake and the tsunami waves that crashed in afterwards. Please remember to pray for those who lost their loved ones, the ones who lost their livelihoods, and the ones who lost their homes. I could only hope nations would lift my family up in prayer if such a tragedy ever took place where I lived.

Be thankful for you blessings, pray others will have an opportunity to be blessed the way you have, and find a time and place to worship our great God with EVERYTHING you are and with EVERYTHING you have!

Wow What A Week!

It's hard to believe it's been over 1 week since we were sitting in the pediatrician's office for their last late appointment of the evening! We were quarantined in our home for about 5 days straight - and let me tell you - with a 1 year old that is a hard thing to do!! Thankfully (Glory to God) AK's RSV symptoms quickly dissipated after a few days of a propped up mattress and a constant flow of humidified air in her bedroom. The antibiotic went to work quickly as well - obviously causing her double ear infection to clear right up. I've had a happy baby since Sunday afternoon. I however picked up every symptom of the RSV and unfortunately for me it has not cleard up as quickly as my sweet baby girl's did. Thats ok though, I never got the nasty painful sounding cough that she had - I'll take a runny nose over that any day. We stayed home Monday for good measure, not wanting anyone at work or her school to get what we had just battled.

When I got back to work there had been some major changes for my job take place. Don't worry this was no surprise to me, in fact I had been waiting for these changes to take place, I just didn't realize how fast it would happen when the time came. It certainly didn't help that I had been with a sick baby and now sick myself, or that I missed a Monday! You are probably wondering what these changes are that I am referring to...well I have been "reassigned" as I like to call it. I am now in the transitioning process of moving from working in the music department at the church to working in the "business office" of the church. I am looking forward to the change and am excited about what the Lord has in store for me at work. I have thoroughly enjoyed working with the Praise Band and music ministers of our church for the past 2 years. I am still doing some of the media prep work for now, but eventually in the near future I will also be letting that go. This is a bitter sweet goodbye for me, but it is time for me to move forward with what the Lord wants me to do.

This week has also brought me some wonderful opportunities of one on one mommy daughter time. In fact we even went on a couple of dates this week. Matt is working hard this week and working late - more on this later...
I am glad my munchkin is better and we have been able to have fun memory making week! The next 3 weeks are going to be busy busy busy. Lots of fun things coming up!
Hillsong United in concert in Birmingham! Shopping trip to Ikea in Atlanta for new furniture! Wedding stuff for my sister in law the next two weekends! I'm looking forward to all the excitement.OMG I forgot to mention the best part of all - MY BIRTHDAY! HAHA!!
 Somewhere in the middle of all that is AK's spring break so I will get a few days of down time with her in the midst of the busy busy schedule - as usual, sleeping beauty has arisen from her nap and I must leave my ramblings until next time....